Breaking up with my mind.......
Updated: Aug 20, 2018
In my mind, I had conjured up so many plans, for that relationship. The long walks, talks, dinners, laughter, travels, shower scene sex, sunken tub lazy Sunday afternoon get away's, you name it I envisioned it. Which was another story in itself (seeing that we had never participated in any form of sexual contact), just quiet long talks and gentle late night conversations, sharing our deepest desires and dreams for our future. Then without warning it all ended, no more conversation, no goodbyes, no i'm sorry nothing just silence. WOW, and to think i had a life long story planted in my head and it all involved that man. It literally took months before i stop calling him, dreaming about him, desiring him and needing him. for a certain period of time, it felt as if I had frozen in a bubble, I could see out but never get out, so i stood still. Being the intelligent, educated, christian, thorough woman I had prided myself on being, i had the most god awful time imaginable, when it came to coming to grips with the guilt, of getting trapped inside that web of deceit.
Nonetheless, there I was trapped and confused, eagerly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Continuously assuming my normal roles of working, churchgoing, parenting, while dealing with friends, family and an occasional hobby nothing changed. I floated through life as if I was free, when almost everything inside of me had curled up an died, trying so very hard to erase the pain of my mind, which showed up in tears almost every night. Never had I felt so consumed and imprisoned, I am not sure if the guilt of losing controlled hadn't added to my stress, but whatever it was, it had taken full control of my inner self. I will never forget the day i heard my inner strength say; free your mind, i had no idea what that meant, so i quietly went to my room, closed the door, climbed in my bed covered my head, closed my eyes and listened. The still voice said, break up with those thoughts, tell them to leave, erase your intent for that guy, get rid of your fantasy, break up with your mind, until you break up with the ideas of what you thought you felt for that man and what you thought would be your life with that man, you will never be free. It has been three years and from that day until this one, I guard my heart, I never take people out of their place, i try my very best to never assume more than I actually know to be the truth. Although this might sound weird, we must some times break up with the images we hold toward others, in order to be free, they are not the problem we are, for making them knights and queens in an unscripted play inside our minds.