Lately I've Been Thinking About Beauty.

A few days ago while watching television, the face of a woman in full screen appeared, immediately I thought to myself, oh wow she's gorgeous. Not flashy with tons of makeup Beautiful, But the kind that shows up with or without makeup, the kind that shines from across the street, when she smiles or laughs too loud. The kind that looks good at 4 a.m. or 2 p.m.

There is a lot of things I've done, I have lived, given birth, got degrees, counseled, preached, taught and rose from Cancer and still, I think I have only met her once., It was in 1984, while sitting on the hood of a car, my little sister smile and said you pretty. I felt pretty that night, just for a few minutes I felt beautiful, just for a small amount of time she lived. I think that is the one and only time, I could say beauty existed, oh yeah there are tons of photos to suggest other wise, but its my turn to tell the story and this is my version.

So anyway, I began to examine my beauty, looking in the mirror as I passed, searching through old photos, searching family albums, looking a my school's year books, really thinking on my younger me. To be very honest, I did see this stranger, glaring back at me, smiling probably full of hopes and dreams, if I met her today, I would say, hey girl how are you, I love your eyes.

So lately I've been in search of me, Not the satisfy everyone else me, Not the I'll get to my needs later me, Not the weight gained sit on the sidelines me. But the me that glared back at me, when I look in my younger photos, the me that says look at me, look at the shine on my skin, look at the love I need, look at the life I missed, look at the hugs I never got, look at the great job that never was said. I'm really sad for her, because I never knew her and I don't think anyone else knew her, Well except her little sister, I think she was the only one who loved me enough, to see that girl.

So lately I've been obsessed with beauty, Sometimes I feel so angry (with whom you ask ) well probably myself. Because I did not go in search of that person my sister saw, I just smiled and said thank you. I'm sure she saw her, I'm sure she peeped out just long enough to see her friend, because I felt a tingled inside my heart, like I had never felt before. I felt seen, I felt available, I felt alive, I felt amazing, just for a few minutes I felt like I lived on earth and that I was visible. She saw her and she loved her, I am sure they were friends. Well at least beauty had one friend, seeing that I turned out not to be a good friend to beauty. What kind of friend was I, I never fought for her place, I never stood up for her, I let her sink back and never once did I open the door, so that beauty could live, breath and shine.

So lately I've been looking for beauty, the same beauty my sister saw. although, I did not trust her enough to actually believe that beauty existed, nevertheless she made sure, she knew that she saw her. I don't know if she ever let anyone else see her, perhaps she was thinking if I wasn't going to fight for her, she would not come out again. She would not risk the chance of being seen again, suppose people saw her and did not see her. Well now I'm in search of her, lately I've been thinking a lot about beauty, that sort of thing has never been a large focal point in my life. I am not sure why, or maybe I am but, I wasn't willing to admit that I was afraid, sometimes we get afraid of things, things like suppose I actually discover that I am special and stunning, beautiful and funny, dedicated, faithful, kind, generous, trustworthy and educated. But people still turn around and miss that beauty. Beauty isn't on the face its in the heart, well that's where it starts anyway. The fear of actually trying to live in those places and the most trusted of your trusted, look right through you, Into any direction but yours. So you stand still, hold your breath and forget your beauty.

I looked at your picture beauty, I said hello, who are you? I don't think I know you! My sorry stems from the fact, that I never experience the charming beauty, that lived inside me. beauty isn't skin deep, it soaks pass the marrow of the bones, it smiles, it laughs, it sings, it loves and it lives. I surely do wish I had lived, then perhaps now, I would not have to think so much on beauty. I saw my sister the other day and I smiled. She didn't know what I was smiling at, but I finally understood that smile was my first step toward finding beauty. That smile meant "thank you sister" for seeing beauty, loving beauty and knowing beauty existed.

So like I said, I am now thinking a lot about beauty. In my quest to find beauty, the first thing I did a few days ago, was look at my little sister and I smiled, she wasn't aware of why I was smiling, but my heart was saying thank you Sister, for being the only one who saw my beauty and said it. Maybe my beauty never intended for anyone to see it, but my sister. Maybe she is the only one Beauty trusted, and I think I know why, But that story is for another time.