Let go, I got you.
For a person like myself, these words I take literally or I don't take them at all. He sat there looking so clean, so comfortable. Wanting no more than to be near him, slowly I walked straight toward that smiling face, full of morning love and ready to smile. I straddled him and said good morning, he in turn said good morning. As always I greeted him with a forehead kiss, while wrapping my arms around his neck, supporting myself on the arches of my feet, as to not bring to much of my weight down on him. ( Maybe its a girl thing, didn't want to feel heavy) Without even blinking he said; Let go, I got you. I looked at him and he said; sit back I got you, I slowly began to sit on his lap fully and I felt no tension, no strain, no stress, just someone carrying the fullness of my weight.
It was as if he could see through me, seeing more than my release of control, but the belief that he actually had me. Which is something I refused to relinquish, my power, my wall, my control but I did it. Immediately I felt the most relaxing exhale, that I had ever felt in my entire life, I was thinking what is this? and why is this happening now. Right now, I know you are probably expecting me to say something cool like, I looked at him an felt so in love, well nope dudes that's not this story. This story is for us non trusting, hadn't had a breath of life, would not trust anyone ever and don't have time to pursue it kind a people. Anyway, I sat back and took that deep breath, I did not die, I did not fall to the floor, I did not break my back and I did not break his, I just sat.
For some reason that morning wasn't like any other, it was as if something closed and something opened. I looked in his eyes, he looked in mine and for the first time, I cried. Not a cry of loud sobs, not a cry of creeks catching the waterfalls, not a cry of ugly snotty nosed defeat, but an inward cry for all those lonely days, all those lonely nights, all those times when I thought I wasn't good enough, also for the numerous times I had to suffer in silence, while everyone assumed I was good and I wasn't. This guy wanted me to relax, he wanted to support me, I knew he wasn't talking about my weight, he was talking about my trust, my peace, my friendship, my attitude, my grief, my hurt, my pain mostly he was talking about my life. Anyone who knows me, would probably say, she got up an ran away, but not this time I stayed, he smiled and said softly I got you. I said are you sure, he said yes I got you.
I vanished, I felt feather light, not as a giddy young girl on a first date, but as a strong woman, who needed a single moments exhale from, being a single parent, paying all the bills alone, raising all the kids alone, working two jobs, having to be strong always, smiling even on the days I wanted to die, I needed this. He said let go, I got you, something at that moment, something in his eyes said; yes he got you. Not got me like I needed a savior, because I have one of those, not got me like I need someone to pay my bills, because I can do that just fine, not got me like my kids need raising, they almost grown, not got me like I cant read, I'm an educated woman. But got me like if you need me I will be there, no pretense, no drama, no lies, no hurt, no anger, no selfish self centeredness, no games just I got you.
Some of you may be wondering what's this all about, well ladies and gents, these are the inner most secret places inside our being, where we are too ashamed or to cool to expose, those places where we yearn for passion and companionship, that place where we have buried all our emotions in an attempt to cease our doubt, hate, hurt and fears. But instead of coming to grips with what we need, we build walls and we block out the sunlight, while trying to block out the rain. We leave ourselves barren of emotion and empty shell, walking, breathing, working, laughing and talking, but an empty shell non the less. As an effort to give you all what I promised, I give you me inside my closet, come on in browse look around, see if anything fits you and if it does take it off, lets break free, Because one day someone will say to you; Let go, I got you and on that day, you will open your eyes, look them in their eyes , take a deep breath and live.